When unfair or overly harsh comments come our way, they can trigger feelings of rejection, shame and self-doubt. When they come from a trusted source, like a romantic partner, friend, family member or co-worker, it adds nuanced layers to those complex feelings. However, learning how to deal with judgmental people can help make these experiences easier on your mental well-being. 

Read on to learn some of our best tips on how to handle judgmental comments and what to say once you’re ready to respond. 

1. Stop and breathe.

Taking a defensive approach is a natural response when someone says something hurtful. However, acting on impulse may escalate the conversation into a confrontation that makes matters worse. Before you do or say anything, sit with their comments for a minute or two. This pause can help you figure out how to respond thoughtfully. 

If someone criticized you in person, count to 10 or take a few deep breaths before saying anything you might regret later. If the critique came via text, do something else or sleep on it before hitting send. That way, you can respond calmly when you’re ready. This is especially helpful if you value your relationship with this person and are worried about responding in a way that impacts your friendship negatively.

2. Ask what they mean.

Once you feel calmer, repeat their critique back to make sure you fully understand their intent. Miscommunication happens often, and a little clarification can go a long way. Asking for it helps you understand their point of view and provides more information for you to draw from in your response. It can also turn a difficult conversation into a more constructive dialogue that you both can learn from. Try asking questions like: 

• What makes you say that?
• Is there something I did that made you feel that way?
• I’m sorry, but I’m not sure I understand. Can you please provide an example?
• If I understand your comment correctly, you’re saying …, right?
• When you say …, do you mean …?

3. Consider the source.

Sometimes, a particularly judgy comment can be taken with a grain of salt. Ask yourself: Does this person really know me? How familiar are they with my work, personal or life experiences? This can help you assess if this particular person’s criticism of you is reliable or fair. After all, not everyone has enough access to your life to judge fairly.

Also, keep in mind that it might not be about you. Maybe this person doesn’t know how to deliver constructive feedback well or is just having a bad day — people criticize others for all sorts of reasons. If it appears to stem from their own insecurities or another issue that has nothing to do with you at all, their comment might not be worth a second thought.

4. Take their tone out of the equation.

Sometimes unsolicited advice comes wrapped neatly in a rude tone. Although it may not have been on purpose, it can make a comment sting harder than it normally would. As you’re reflecting on what they’ve said, try to filter out their tone and figure out what they’re really saying. Despite how it sounded, do they have a point? Is this a personal attack or feedback worth considering? Reframing their comment internally may help you figure out how to respond more appropriately.

How to deal with judgmental people

Once your judgmental loved one or co-worker speaks their mind, what’s next? Try to focus on what you can control in these situations. You can respond in any number of ways. For example, here are some things you can do to resolve the situation:

• Express how you feel. 

It’s OK to let someone know when they’ve hurt your feelings, and you can always disagree with an unfair opinion. Consider saying something like, “Your comment made me feel …” or, “I understand what you’re trying to say, but I disagree because …” 

• Set clear, healthy boundaries. 

Sometimes it’s just time to set a boundary with this person, especially if their overly critical comments happen frequently enough to affect your mental health. Maybe you can find ways to be less emotionally available to them or spend less time together. This can help protect your peace of mind throughout your relationship.

• Redirect the discussion.

If this critique could spark a deeper discussion that you’re not ready to get into at the moment, try redirecting the person. Changing the topic can create an easy way out of the conversation, and you can jump back in when you feel more prepared to discuss their comments.

• End the conversation.

In the moment, especially when you’re at a loss for words, you can always end the conversation. A quick “thank you” often works well. Or you can say something like, “I think I need to take some time to process what you’ve said before I respond,” and walk away. 

At Lightfully, we understand that criticism can be hard to hear, especially when it impacts your mental health. Our experts take a compassionate, evidence-based approach, providing whole-person-centered care that’s tailored to your unique needs and goals. We target the complex drivers behind mental health disorders and symptoms, like your thoughts, emotions, behaviors and relationships — all of which are important considerations in navigating constructive or destructive feedback.

You’ve carried this long enough — let us help lighten the load. Connect with our Admissions Concierge Team and discover a treatment plan built just for you.