Have you ever found yourself getting tired of having the same arguments with your family over and over again? Or is there a pattern of unfair treatment that seems impossible to break? Some people first notice patterns of codependency in their family when they seek mental health treatment for themselves. Others become aware of these problems in adolescence when they start to develop their own sense of self and an awareness of their social relationships. 

With time and treatment, you can unlearn patterns of codependency and build healthy relationships. In this blog post, we’ll share 10 examples of behavior that’s common in codependent relationships.

10 examples of behavior that’s common in codependent relationships

There are two roles that define most codependent relationships: the caregiver and the dependent. These roles can sometimes reverse depending on the situation. Families often develop codependent relationships when one person has a substance use disorder, abuses others or has another problematic behavior. Children often learn these roles and behaviors by observing them, and then they repeat the same dynamics in their relationships as adults. 

The following behaviors are common in codependent relationships:

• Overvaluing outward appearances — Because people in codependent relationships are often insecure or have low self-worth, they tend to seek external validation through appearances and achievements. They may get defensive about their reputation or their behavior. They may also go to great lengths to appear to have it “together” even when they’re very uncomfortable.
• Turning a blind eye — Codependent relationships often mask abusive or hurtful behaviors. One person may enable the other, make excuses for them or deny problem behaviors.
• Passive aggression — In codependent relationships, confronting conflicts and hurtful behaviors is usually taboo. Instead of talking about problems, people will express their frustrations in passive or cryptic ways.
• Excessive caretaking — People may feel a responsibility to care for others in codependent relationships to the point of excess. They may overstep the other person’s privacy or sacrifice their own peace and well-being in the process.
• Weaponized guilt — People in codependent relationships will feel hurt when the other person doesn’t recognize their efforts. Both feel they are the victim in certain ways, and they will try to make the other person feel guilty to get the kind of attention they want.
• Relationship addiction — In these situations, people usually feel they need the other person’s affection to feel secure. They may get very upset at the thought of the other person leaving them or being mad at them.
• Control — Because there are strict roles and few personal boundaries in these relationships, one person may feel a need to control the other person. 
• Deflection — Often, people in these relationships have difficulty accepting responsibility for their own problematic behaviors. They may become defensive or get offended when someone points out their role in a conflict.
• Distrust — This goes hand in hand with deep-seated insecurity and a need to control. Codependency can cause someone to be so distrustful that they need to constantly watch the other person or “hold their hand” to make sure they behave in a certain way.
• Difficulty identifying or expressing feelings — People in codependent relationships may not know what it’s like to have another person empathize with their feelings. They may have grown up in an environment where their feelings were dismissed or neglected, so they often don’t develop an awareness and accountability for their own emotions.

If you’ve noticed these behaviors in your closest relationships, there is hope that you can develop more healthy and secure attachments. Unfortunately, you can’t make your family do this work for themselves. If you have codependent relationships with family members, you’ll need to learn to set and maintain boundaries with them. This can be very difficult since codependent behaviors can trigger intense emotional reactions. You’ll need support from others who are working on codependency or others who don’t have these behaviors.

Talking with a psychotherapist may be a good starting point. If you have mental health symptoms that affect multiple areas of your life, or if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you may need a higher level of treatment. At Lightfully, we help our clients with behaviors and relationships in multiple areas of life. Our programs include group sessions and family therapy sessions so you can put your new skills into action right away.

Are you looking for help with codependency right now? Contact us. Let’s talk about what you’re noticing and what kind of treatment may help.