Do you prioritize others above yourself even when you don’t want to? Being generous with your time, effort and attention can be a wonderful thing. However, when it goes too far, it can leave you depleted. It can deepen mental health struggles like codependency and anxiety. Lightfully offers support in our Virtual Partial Hospitalization Program (vPHP).
If you are a people pleaser, you may resonate with any of these statements:
“I dread saying no.”
Imagine this: You’re tired after a long week, looking forward to Saturday and Sunday. But your friend wants to have brunch on Saturday. Your kids are begging to go to a movie in the afternoon. Your spouse asked you to cook dinner (and you know you’ll end up washing the dishes). Your parents are talking about making plans after dinner on Saturday night, and do you want to help them clean out their garage on Sunday? Oh, no.
You wrestle with it, but you won’t say no to any of these plans. It might feel like selfishness, self-indulgence or rudeness. Plus, it’s just hard to talk yourself into admitting what you really want: a restful, easy weekend.
“People take advantage of me.”
If you’re a people pleaser, you might feel like you have to surrender your weekend to all of these demands. Saying no or making compromises that work for you might seem impossible. These things might not come to mind — telling your friend that next weekend would be better, letting the kids watch a movie at home or ordering dinner. Telling your parents that you’ll stay in on Saturday and pitch in for an hour or two on Sunday is a step too far.
Don’t all these people expect too much from you? They want you to split a bill at some restaurant, spend an hour or two watching a kids’ movie, come up with a dinner idea, shop for groceries … It’s all too much. However, none of these requests is meant to be a demand. None of them is terribly taxing on its own; they are only so demanding when they become a collective. This happens when your desire to please people compels you to take on all of them.
“It’s not all bad, it’s just too much sometimes.”
Yes, you might or might not resent the same people whom you strive to please. On the other hand, you might have some good feelings about what you’re doing. You could see yourself as an unusually generous, helpful person. You might like feeling needed or in control. You may rightfully commend yourself for hard work.
If you had only bad feelings about pleasing people, you wouldn’t do it. Having these mixed feelings can be confusing, but it doesn’t make people pleasing more sustainable, enjoyable or healthy.
“I love canceled plans.”
Secretly, or maybe not so secretly, you love it when plans fall through. Earlier, you might have wanted to back out of your plans but felt that you couldn’t, and now precious time to yourself has arrived like a gift. Being liberated from an obligation that you didn’t want to go through with is a relief.
When what you’re elated to receive is the opposite of what you “happily” agreed to, you may be feeling the results of people pleasing. You have hidden your real desire in order to please someone with a performance of a different desire, and received what you really wanted all along nonetheless. Yes, it’s nice — but what if you had been honest about what you wanted earlier?
“Maybe I should stand up for myself next time.”
You’re rethinking people-pleasing tendencies — you’re reading this article, after all. You might feel ready to learn more about people pleasing, take a look at your behavior or reassess your relationships. If you’re thinking about speaking up for yourself and setting boundaries, know that help is available.
Many people pleasers benefit from strong boundaries. Being honest about what they do and don’t want can be hard, but it may be necessary to improve their mental health and relationships.
How can you set boundaries?
The first step is to identify what you want. If you did not have to please anybody, what would you do with your time? If you have not always been a people pleaser, which topics drove you to advocate for yourself before? Perhaps you want to set boundaries around your time, effort or involvement in various things.
You may also want to improve your confidence, independence or self-regulation skills. Like many people pleasers, you might live with a mental health condition like an anxiety disorder or trauma-based disorder. It may be time to seek professional treatment if you are driven to meet others’ needs at your own expense, wearing yourself thin.
A vPHP is one of our care options at Lightfully that provides more support than a series of therapy or psychiatry appointments would, but less than residential treatment. It includes treatment by a licensed clinical therapist and a psychiatrist. Group sessions also feature in the program, with multiple sessions each week. You can share challenges and growth in group sessions led by clinicians. Together, you can learn to quiet people-pleasing urges and stand up for yourself.
Protecting your wants and needs with boundaries is possible. To speak with a licensed professional, connect with Lightfully. We’ll take the next steps together, toward the fullest, brightest version of you.
