Our family of origin shapes important parts of our identity and sense of self. They can get under our skin like no one else because our early interactions with them are what we’re reacting to when we feel triggered. A trigger is any stimulus that causes a strong emotional reaction, often connected to past experiences or unresolved issues. A trigger could be a situation, person or event. 

Mental health conditions often run in families, which means children are sometimes exposed to symptoms and dysfunctional behaviors while they’re growing up. Some family members will pursue treatment and healing while others may not. When you’re doing your best to grow as a person and a family member keeps wanting to argue, it can be easy to slip back into old patterns. 

While you can offer support, each family member is responsible for their own mental health journey. Respecting their autonomy can help maintain healthier relationships. There are some ways you can protect yourself and your relationship without completely giving in to their behavior. 

6 potential family triggers

Family dysfunction may stem from one individual’s behavior or a dynamic between you. Codependency and enmeshment are patterns that happen when family members rely on each other for emotional fulfillment. Codependency involves a relationship dynamic where one person enables another’s harmful behaviors, often sacrificing their own needs. Enmeshment refers to blurred boundaries within a family, where individual identities and autonomy are compromised, leading to over-involvement in each other’s lives. In these dynamics, families find themselves having the same arguments over and over again and continuing to hurt each other.

The following are some common triggers among family members:

• Judging and disrespect — Family members can say some pretty brutal things when they don’t approve. In a family hierarchy, older generations may feel it’s their role to point out when younger relatives are doing something they think is wrong. It’s especially harmful when they judge something about your identity, your lifestyle or your relationships.
• Should-ing on you — “Should-ing” or telling you what you should do sometimes comes from a place of wanting the best for you. When a family member doesn’t fully hear or understand your point of view, though, it comes across as hollow and potentially insulting. 
• Trivializing issues that are important to you — It might be a political issue, a job or a hobby of yours, your religious beliefs, or something else that’s a big deal to you. Hearing a family member blow it off like it doesn’t matter really hurts.
• Infantilizing — Families have a way of treating younger siblings like the baby even when they’re fully grown adults. If you feel like they’re not respecting your maturity, your abilities or your judgment, it’s understandable that you should feel a little resentful.
• Enabling someone else’s problem behaviors — Some people deal with a loved one’s bad behavior by turning a blind eye. The idea of losing that connection may seem worse than putting up with their familiar troubles. For others, watching other people in the family sit by to allow irresponsible behavior or even abuse is shocking and painful.
• Bringing up sore subjects or hot-button issues — Virtually every family has arguments from time to time. If you’ve had particularly vicious fights, the mere mention of the topic can have you seeing red — especially if you feel the other person is intentionally bringing it up to upset you.

5 ways to navigate family triggers

The best way to approach a triggering situation or a family argument depends on a few things. Will the person be able to see from your point of view and feel empathy for you? Are they open to feedback and potentially changing their behavior? Are other people involved? Is there a boundary that you can set or maintain? Can you defuse the situation, or do you need to remove yourself?

Being mindful of your own emotions and caring for yourself are musts. However, these steps can only go so far to resolve what’s happening between you and others. 

Try these approaches when you’re feeling triggered by your family:

• Assert yourself and calmly ask them to stop — When you have some time to reflect, think about what you really want your family member to know. You might want to tell them how their behavior makes you feel or why it’s so hurtful. Whittle your message down to a sentence or two, and keep it handy for the next time you feel triggered. Tell them directly, set a boundary if you need to and try to end the conversation. 
• Be a broken record — If this person doesn’t want to listen to you, finding different ways to explain yourself probably won’t help. Keep stating the same response in a calm voice until they realize they aren’t getting to you. Use the next few tips to keep your cool while you stand your ground.
• Tap into mindful awareness — Mindfulness isn’t about making your intense feelings disappear. It’s about being aware of them and holding yourself with compassion so you don’t spiral out of control. Recognize the underlying emotions you’re feeling and tell yourself they’re natural. Also recognize when you’re becoming dysregulated — flashing back to past traumas, regressing, or reacting out of those upset feelings. If you can get grounded in your body and name what you’re feeling, you can buy yourself some time to respond intentionally.
• Create mantras or affirmations you can use as anchors — You don’t have to rely on anyone else’s approval. Remind yourself that you’re an adult and you get to decide what’s best for you. When you have time to reflect, think of some things you can tell yourself when you’re feeling triggered. Write them down, keep them close and repeat them to yourself regularly to build up your resilience.
• Excuse yourself — Take a moment to step away and do some somatic (body-based) exercises that will defuse tension and ground you in the present. Stomping, whacking a pillow against the floor, taking a quick walk, giving yourself a “butterfly hug” or doing some breathing exercises may help. 

People have a sense of belonging with their families that can be loving and supportive or very uncomfortable at times. It can be tempting to argue or explain yourself, even when they’re not receptive. While you’re working on yourself, you might need to reassess how much time you can spend around your family, if possible. Their behavior and your behavior when you’re around them is evidence of what you can expect in the future. They may grow and change, but your boundaries should stay the same until you start seeing changed behavior.

Navigating all of this by yourself is hard. A therapist can help you learn to manage your emotions and the way you interact in your relationships. Contact us with questions about finding the right level of treatment. 

Curious to learn more about family triggers and how to handle them? Keep an eye out for the next blog post in our “Family Triggers” series.