The pain of losing something or someone who was important to you may feel overwhelming. When you’re grieving, things like feeding yourself, going to class and doing laundry may not feel important or even possible. Big and small losses can cause grief, and everyone will experience some form of grief during their lifetime.

Grief is often treated like a taboo in our culture, especially when the loss is traumatic or unexpected. You may not hear people talk about it very often for this reason. However, sharing your feelings with people who care can do a great deal to help you feel less alone.

Navigating grief for the first time while being away at college is something a lot of people go through. If you don’t feel like you have a strong support system right now, please know that you’re not alone and there are people who care. This article outlines seven emotional aspects of the grieving process and provides some insight into how you can start to cope.

What should college students know about grief?

First of all, any type of loss can cause grief. The emotions you feel after losing a pet, moving away from your friends or missing out on life milestones are all valid forms of grief. And speaking of emotions, grief can cause a wide range of feelings besides sadness or depression.

Each person experiences the seven stages of grief differently. They don’t happen in any particular order, and you may not grieve exactly the same way for individual losses. You may not ever be “done” grieving a difficult loss. But you can develop some resilience, new beliefs and coping skills that make it easier to manage. Becoming aware of your grief and the different ways it can affect you is the first step. After you face each of the seven stages of grief, they’ll be a little more familiar and less daunting. 

What are the 7 stages of grief?

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross popularized the most famous model for understanding and healing from grief in 1969. This model had its flaws: It was based on Kubler-Ross’ experiences working with terminally ill patients. This population’s experiences with death and dying don’t necessarily reflect the full range of feelings that grief can bring in other situations. Most people understood the five stages of grief from this model in a linear order, which has also been disproven. Each grieving experience is highly unique. You may experience some stages more than once, and some of them may not apply to you. 

The initial five stages of grief have been rearranged a bit and updated in recent years and new stages were added. Some of the stages became more specific: Instead of denial, the first stage became “shock and denial.”

Use this list of the seven stages of grief to reflect on your feelings and experiences:

• Shock and denial — This phase of grief may happen right away and pass quickly. It can feel like disbelief, uncertainty or doubt. But sometimes, the news of certain losses can be too intense to fully grasp right away. Delayed grief is when the shock and denial phase lasts for an extended period of time.
• Pain and guilt — These may be the most stereotypical and most recognizable feelings attached to grief. Once you’ve accepted a loss, this stage is the primary, raw emotional impact you feel. It’s also a stage that people commonly try to avoid through the next phase.
• Anger and bargaining — Anger is a secondary emotion, which means it’s a response to something else. When you’re hurting, it can be tempting to pin the blame on people or circumstances so you can redirect your negative feelings toward them. You might also try to reason your way out of grief by bargaining: “This can’t be true because my friend was too young to pass away. They didn’t deserve to die.”
• Depression — Depression can feel like sadness, but it encompasses a lot more. You may have feelings of emptiness or hopelessness. Depression is also the way these feelings affect your life. Some people experience changes in their appetite and sleep patterns, decreased energy or irritability.
• The upward turn — This phase only truly happens after you’ve spent some time noticing and acknowledging your emotions from the previous phases. You may go back and forth between disbelief, bargaining, anger and depression for a while. But eventually, these feelings don’t sting as much and you’re able to find a ray of hope.
• Reconstruction and working through — After you’ve identified your feelings and gained a bit of hope for the future, you can work on healing. There may be things you can do to offset feelings of guilt or pay tribute to the person or thing you’ve lost. Building a legacy by finding a significant way to help your community can be very therapeutic.
• Acceptance and hope — Like each of the above stages, this one is unique to each grieving individual. It can take a few months or several years. You may gain some insights from other people when you share about your loss. Or it could be an internal shift that happens after you’ve exhausted your feelings of pain and anger. The important thing to know is that you will eventually get there.

How can I deal with the 7 stages of grief while in college?

Self-reflection and awareness are important for the grief healing process. However, grief isn’t something you should have to deal with alone. You don’t have to tell your friends what you’re going through, but you should have at least one confidant who knows what’s going on, such as a therapist, a counselor or a close friend. Having company during tough times can help you feel connected and grounded. You need multiple different people in your support system. The broader and more diverse that support system is, the better.

Get help for prolonged grief at Lightfully

Grief is a part of the human condition that can bring people closer together if we can be open and compassionate with each other. It’s OK if you feel overwhelmed — but you don’t have to carry your grief all by yourself. If your grief is affecting your ability to function, or if you’re in a lot of distress, you should consider talking with a mental health professional.

There isn’t a “normal” or average grieving period. Grief can last longer than a few weeks, even in cases that aren’t considered complicated or prolonged. When losses are particularly traumatic, however, it may take longer to start to feel more hopeful. Complicated grief can come with difficulty accepting the loss, prolonged sorrow and pain, rumination, preoccupation with the loss, or avoidance of it. Our licensed clinicians and the powerful peer support groups at Lightfully are especially helpful for people experiencing complicated grief.

Are you looking for someone to talk to? We created Lightfully U to make mental health treatment more accessible to college students. Get in touch with one of our Admissions Counselors to get started with an assessment.