Loneliness is an epidemic that many, many people are struggling with right now. If you’re wondering why your friends don’t seem to stick around, and are experiencing feelings of sadness or loneliness, you’re not the only one. Our early experiences have a powerful effect on our behavior in relationships, even long into adulthood. It takes emotional maturity and deliberate self-exploration to uncover these patterns so you can make different choices. It’s hard work that takes a long time, but if you hang on, it’s very rewarding.

If we are disrespected, betrayed or dismissed, we have a natural instinct to prevent those things from happening again. Unfortunately, our instincts can be very shortsighted. Self-sabotage is when we hold ourselves back from having deep connections or even create new problems. When these automatic behaviors turn into patterns that feel familiar, the cycles repeat themselves. Realizing that you can choose to break the cycle and commit to building healthier relationships is the first step toward healing. 

Keep reading and see if any of these eight self-sabotage patterns might be affecting your friendships.

• Worrying about starting a conflict — Would you rather eat rocks than potentially start a conflict? Often, avoiding conflicts involves making a bunch of assumptions. It also keeps issues hidden that could be solved with some cooperation. Getting things out in the open takes courage and skill, but it makes good relationships stronger in the long run.
• Starting unnecessary conflict or fights with your loved ones — Contrary to the first point, some people are quick to start drama for different reasons. Maybe you’re afraid of getting too close and being let down, or maybe you do it to get a certain response. Or maybe you tell yourself that a fight is inevitable, so you want to get it out of the way. In any case, ask yourself what fear is at the root of it and try to address it more directly.
• Making excuses or shifting blame — Taking responsibility for your words and actions doesn’t always feel good. To maintain healthy relationships, you sometimes have to admit when you’ve made a mistake. You also can’t control how another person feels as a result, but you do have to acknowledge it to make a sincere apology. 
• Withdrawing or isolating socially — After enough bad experiences, opening up to others gets much harder. To get the satisfying relationships you want, you have to reach out and take the initiative. When you find the right people and nurture those relationships, you can expect them to reach out some of the time.
• Suppressing your needs — If you grew up in a family where your needs weren’t a priority, it can be hard to speak up for yourself. You might find yourself putting other people first and then resenting them when your needs aren’t met. In healthy relationships, you can tell the other person what you need and ask for cooperation without fear of being shut down.
• Shying away from setting boundaries — This one’s related to the previous point. If your friends have certain behaviors that make you uncomfortable, it hurts you and the relationship to stay silent. If they can’t respect your boundaries, you might need to put more distance between you and find some new friends.
• Steering clear of all things emotional — To have healthy relationships with others, you need a healthy relationship with yourself. This means feeling your sadness, disappointment and pain so you can take steps to change. If you don’t allow yourself to feel, you can’t show another person true empathy.
• Holding yourself back from getting vulnerable — Trust issues and refusing to ask for help are some of the most common reasons that people can’t maintain an emotional connection. In some cases, people can’t even show affection or acknowledge their own feelings. There’s always an element of risk to vulnerability. The best you can do is choose people who seem trustworthy, then build or prove your level of trust over time and repair as necessary.

Many times, when people wake up to their patterns of self-sabotage, they realize certain relationships aren’t sustainable. They might not be compatible with the other person, or they may have been holding on to the relationship for the wrong reasons. When you’re craving true connections, it can be hard to let people go. That’s not to say that none of your relationships can be salvaged. You need to exercise some discernment to recognize what you can realistically expect of yourself and the other person. 

In the best cases, sharing your personal growth work can spark great conversations that bring you closer together. You might identify some common goals and talk about ways to keep each other accountable. When you are able to put yourself out there and meet new people, you can make those connections in a much more intentional way.

Changing patterns of self-sabotage begins with you, but you don’t have to do it alone. A therapist can help you find your community and build a strong support system for better, longer-lasting relationships. 

If you need some help with patterns of self-sabotage that interfere with your relationships, a therapist is a great place to start. Contact us with questions about navigating your mental health care. If you’re ever seeking more comprehensive treatment, our programs may be a good fit.

Curious to learn more about how self-sabotage can affect friendships? This was just Part 1 of our “Friendship Self-Sabotage” series. Keep an eye out for the next one.