Most people who use control as a coping mechanism don’t really know they’re doing it — until a loved one or a co-worker tells them in exasperation, “You’ve got control issues.” If this has you feeling surprised or taken aback, know that you’re not the only one. 

Controlling instincts don’t always come from a place of malice or disrespect. It may be quite the opposite — an attempt at building a close relationship without the proper tools or skills to do it in an authentically supportive way. Other times, controlling behaviors are a way of coping with a mental health condition or a response in the present to things that happened to you a long time ago. In some cases, people do try to control others to maintain a power dynamic, exploit them or inflate their own egos.

If you’re reading this, you’re on the right track to identifying the possible root of your control issues and getting the help you need to change them. While “control issues” is not an official diagnosis, it’s a common descriptive term for behaviors that often arise from anxiety, unresolved trauma, or other mental health conditions. In this blog post, we’ll discuss eight potential causes that may be driving your desire for control.

8 potential causes that may explain controlling behaviors

There may be more than one issue influencing your controlling behaviors. Most often, the desire to control is a way of coping with pain, fear or low self-worth. Our expectations of other people and the ways we treat them are often shaped by our past experiences. For many people who have “control issues,” these behaviors stem from attachment trauma, which is a lack of connection or inconsistent behavior from a person’s primary caregiver in their first two years of life. Attachment trauma is not an official DSM-5-TR diagnosis, but it’s recognized in clinical settings under broad trauma-related concerns. Having an unmanaged anxiety condition or personality disorder may also cause you to try to control people and situations. 

The following are eight reasons why many people develop control issues:

• Anxiety — Do you often find yourself worrying about things that no one else is worried about? Do you run scenarios in your head of things that could go wrong or fear that others might be judging you? Seeking control may be your way of coping with anxiety. The problem is that you can’t always be in control, and trying to do so can lead to exhaustion and burnout. 
• Insecurity — If you have low self-worth, you might try to constantly prove yourself by controlling external situations. If you rely too much on your life roles or relationships with other people to define who you are, your efforts to maintain them can come off as controlling or selfish. Conversely, any changes to those roles and relationships may seem like a personal affront.
• Perfectionism — Perfectionism in itself is a coping mechanism people use to deal with anxieties, fears and low self-worth. People who rely on praise and achievement in the absence of connection and support may make perfectionism a part of their identity. When others don’t live up to your expectations, controlling behaviors could be your way of trying to maintain your ideals.
• Trust issues — Maybe others have taken advantage of you or betrayed you in the past. Your instinct to control might be an attempt to make sure this doesn’t happen again. When you try to control people who aren’t being careless with your feelings or trying to hurt you, they may feel that you’re treating them unfairly. 
• Codependency — Codependency is a pattern that develops in unhealthy relationships where one person becomes reliant on the other for their emotional well-being. They put a lot of energy into caring for the other person in some way and sacrifice their needs to the point that they start to resent the other person. These relationships are complex and the roles can reverse. In codependent families, boundaries break down and control is confused with love. This is called enmeshment.
• Fear of abandonment — If you felt physically or emotionally abandoned early in life, a deep-seated fear of abandonment may be at the root of your desire to control. Caregivers who are present in their children’s lives can be emotionally neglectful, which is just as damaging as outright abandonment or abuse.
• Past abuse — We’re often hurt most by the people who are supposed to love and care for us. If you were abused, you may be desperate for personal connection and afraid of getting too close at the same time. Controlling someone else might be your way of keeping them at arm’s length and protecting yourself from getting too vulnerable. To have truly authentic relationships, however, we need to get vulnerable enough to establish real trust.
• Feeling powerful — This is very rarely the only cause behind a person’s control issues. People may knowingly exploit others because they’ve been hurt in the past. Even though it may feel like you’re getting your due, that doesn’t make it right. Recognizing that you’ve hurt another person and taking steps to repair the situation is a big sign of emotional maturity and growth.

What’s next? How to repair broken trust once you’ve identified your control issues

The first thing to do when someone has accused you of being controlling is try to see things from their perspective. What are they feeling right now and why? Rather than imagining what you’d feel in their situation, showing empathy means making an effort to understand what they are feeling. To do that, you have to put down your defenses and listen. A psychotherapist can be a great ally in helping you reflect on your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Once you understand how you’ve made this person feel, you can make a sincere apology. To fully rectify the situation, you’ll need to work on your control issues to prevent this from happening again. These things take time, and it’s OK to make mistakes. However, to earn this person’s trust back, you’ll need to make an honest effort to stop trying to control them.

Are you realizing that your controlling behaviors are keeping you from having healthy relationships? We can help. At Lightfully, we provide whole-person-centered mental health treatment. We don’t take a diagnosis-driven approach. Instead, we focus on building up the resources and skills you need to keep yourself and your relationships healthy. 

Have questions about treatment? Contact us or reach out to our Admissions Concierge Team today. We’re here to help you be authentically you and learn how to connect without controlling.