It happens to everyone: You get caught off guard and say or do something that doesn’t align with your values. Reacting is automatic — something we do without thinking. When you’re able to take a beat and choose your words and actions more intentionally, this is called responding. It’s a skill that takes some time to develop, but with some education and practice, you can develop more control and find more mindful ways to respond in moments when your knee-jerk reactions might not be appropriate.
When reacting becomes a pattern, it can impact your emotional well-being and strain your relationships. In this article, we’ll introduce five key differences between reacting and responding and talk about how to work on responding with mindfulness and intention.
5 key differences between reacting and responding
Our initial reactions may be extreme or absolute — things always seem bigger when they’re right in front of us. If you focus on these raw and unfiltered feelings or continue to dwell on them, they could turn into negative beliefs about yourself and the world. For instance, “bad things always happen to me” or “people are rude and inconsiderate.” You might find yourself becoming quicker to anger or ruminating on negative thoughts more often. Your friends, family, and acquaintances may put more distance between you or put up new boundaries.
To respond in a values-aligned way, the first thing you’ll need to do is recognize what your values are. These could be things like integrity, kindness, empathy, or friendship. Visualize how you’d respond with those values in mind. It might help to review some recent interactions for insights. Finally, practicing mindfulness helps you notice when your emotions are running high, take a step back, and make a wise choice.
Keep these five key differences in mind to start responding instead of reacting:
Time: reactions happen instantly, responses take a pause
Reactions happen in the blink of an eye. Because they’re so automatic, your actions may be defensive and aggressive, or they may be a reaction to past experiences or fears that aren’t relevant to the situation at hand.
For example, if your boss gives you constructive feedback at work, an automatic reaction might be to take it as an insult and strike back. With a pause, you might realize the feedback is helpful, or that protecting your relationship is more important than protecting your ego. Instead of arguing, you might choose to say, “Thank you, I’ll do that going forward.”
Emotion: reactions are driven by feelings, responses consider feelings
Practicing mindfulness and responding may not get rid of those initial feelings of being surprised, hurt, or angry. When you react, you’re acting from that place of emotional flooding. Responding isn’t about ignoring emotion — it’s about creating space for both logic and feeling. You’re just giving yourself space to take a more balanced perspective. You may have to follow up with an emotion regulation strategy, such as mindful meditation or deep breathing.
Outcomes: reactions often escalate, responses de-escalate
Reactions may look like defensiveness, retaliation, one-upping or “rage quitting.” Any of these reactions may make the situation even worse, and patterns of reacting can create a vicious cycle in your relationships.
It’s hard to control your responses in relationships with others who aren’t as considerate with you. However, responding more carefully can help set a new precedent and start productive conversations about what kinds of behavior you expect from each other.
Learning: reactions repeat patterns, responses create new ones
If you feel like you’re in a rut with your reactions, it’s because they can create patterns that are hard to break. It takes more time and effort to create new patterns of responding more intentionally, but it can be done. With practice, you can build emotional intelligence and make the mindful “pause” your new default.
Connection: reactions create distance, responses build bridges
Reactions keep you focused only on your own thoughts, feelings, and interests. This can alienate you from others. Responses are more inclusive of long-term effects and valued connections. Instead of pushing others away, responding can help you address issues and strengthen your relationships.
How to apply discernment and mindfulness for more intentional responding
If you’re noticing yourself reacting more than responding, it might be a good time to do some reflecting. Do you feel like you’re always trying to keep up? Are you stressed out or overwhelmed? Have you thought about how you want to show up for the people in your life? Are there certain people or situations that put you on your defenses? All of these questions can help you spot patterns and make more proactive choices.
The pause between trigger and action is where healing happens, and it’s one of the most powerful tools you can develop for emotional well-being. Mindfulness, like exercise, strengthens your ability to pause and choose.
Breathing techniques like box breathing are simple and fast enough to work in almost any situation. Longer practices like meditation and yoga can help you “tone” your mindfulness muscle so you can go from a state of stress to calm in no time.
Fall is coming up fast, and the holiday season will be upon us before you know it. Busy times and family gatherings can be triggering, especially if your family has patterns of volatility and conflict. You can’t force another person to work on their skills for responding. However, you can assert your boundaries and find effective ways to manage your emotions. An outpatient therapist can be a great ally in these endeavors. Self-help skills can complement, not replace, evidence-based psychotherapy or medication.
At Lightfully, we provide comprehensive primary mental health care with a focus on the whole person. This means we help you manage your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and relationships. When you’re ready to take the first step, reach out. We’ll take the next steps together.
