You’ve probably heard people talk about being the “black sheep” of their family. Maybe their lifestyle, beliefs or the way they dress is very different from the others. This term can mean a lot of different things, and “black sheep” don’t always have poor relationships with their loved ones. They’re just different.

A “family scapegoat,” on the other hand, is chosen as a target for blame and ridicule. They may not have any surface-level differences that others might notice. However, their family members have an unspoken agreement that this individual is the source of their strife. They treat the person like they’re inferior, always putting their needs last or overtly abusing them.

Being the family scapegoat can be a very traumatic experience. Many have trouble with their mental health throughout their lifetime. In this blog post, we’ll discuss what it means to be a “scapegoat” in the context of your family.

What does “scapegoat” mean?

“Scapegoating” is a figure of speech coined around 1530 from a Latin translation of an even older Hebrew term. The original word described a sacrificial goat released into the wilderness to pay for the sins of the people. A “scapegoat” is a person or situation that people blame for negative outcomes that are typically much bigger than one individual could be responsible for. Often, people doing the scapegoating are trying to avoid responsibility or protect another person or interest from blame.

Why do families use scapegoating?

Family scapegoating isn’t usually a conscious choice, but a result of enmeshment, abuse or a lack of emotional maturity. Enmeshment is a lack of separation, boundaries and independence within family groups. It may be a generational pattern, and family members with more power or agency may use it to manipulate others. These family members subconsciously choose a scapegoat when they start to project problems onto one person. This can help them avoid responsibility for their actions (or inaction). 

Children, family members who can’t defend themselves, and those who are sensitive or perceptive are especially likely to be chosen as scapegoats. Discrediting these individuals can make it much harder for that person to call out dysfunctional or abusive behavior. They may be labeled as “crazy,” stupid or out of touch.

How does scapegoating affect individuals and family relationships?

To the scapegoat, this type of manipulation and gaslighting is traumatizing and hurtful. The pain of the experience damages their trust in people who are close to them, in many cases, people who are supposed to protect them and care for their well-being. Many victims of scapegoating internalize the negative things they hear about themselves, which may lead to self-sabotage or self-harm. They may act out in destructive ways or — in the opposite extreme — compensate by overachieving. Scapegoating is almost always damaging to a person’s mental health. They may experience anxiety, depression, or behavioral conditions like substance use or eating disorders. 

The family may effectively convince the scapegoat that they can’t function or thrive on their own. Through overbearing behavior and disrespect of this person’s boundaries, the emotional suffocation alienates them from the rest of their family. They may become reclusive and stay isolated from others. In other cases, the person may leave, becoming more independent and limiting contact with their family.

Many people find themselves re-creating these patterns in other relationships because dysfunction and abuse seem “normal.” Those who have been scapegoated often have a hard time setting and maintaining boundaries. Connecting with people who aren’t so toxic and creating secure relationships can be very difficult after a lifetime of abuse. However, with treatment and support, it is possible.

How can I cope with scapegoating and start to heal?

You can start your healing process by making a commitment to care for yourself and prioritize your mental health. Some people are able to use their past experiences as motivation to heal and create a safer, more loving environment for the people in their lives. This may include a partner, children, nieces and nephews, or friends. 

Keep learning about family dysfunction and try to connect with others who are doing the same work. There are plenty of books you can read on these topics, and you might search for virtual support groups or groups in your community. You’ll also need to build some skills for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Consider seeking help from a psychotherapist with some experience helping people heal from family dysfunction. 

At Lightfully, we provide comprehensive mental health treatment at times when your symptoms are affecting your ability to function. Each of our clients receives highly personalized treatment that supports their long-term goals for the life they want to live. Instead of focusing on symptom reduction, we help you care for your mental wellness more proactively. 

When you treat yourself well, you can start to create secure attachments with others who will treat you with respect. We can help you start to see yourself in a more positive light and develop the skills you need to build supportive relationships. 

If you’re ever seeking a higher level of care for mental health conditions caused by family scapegoating, please contact us. We can help answer your questions so you can get the treatment you need.