Anxiety symptoms often feed on themselves to create a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. It can sound something like this: “I’m worried people won’t like me, so I don’t risk reaching out to connect with new people. I feel alone, and that’s more proof that people won’t like me.” Can you relate?

These thought cycles don’t pop up out of thin air. In social anxiety disorder especially, people may have negative past experiences that spark negative thoughts. When we feel alienated from others, we tap into a deep fear of being excluded. This is actually a survival instinct. Humans are a social species — we depend on each other, not only to survive, but to enjoy life and thrive. Your anxious thoughts may be your brain’s way of trying to protect you from more embarrassment, disappointment or pain. While the need for safe and secure connections never goes away, the anxiety of being cut off from society can become so intense that it does more harm than good.

The ironic thing about social anxiety is that it’s a common experience that many people share. As more processes in our lives have become automated, our opportunities to have positive social interactions have dwindled. Digital platforms like social media and text messaging have had a similar effect. Current events and culture wars impact our personal interactions as well. For all these reasons, anxiety has been steadily increasing in the United States for the past few years.

You can break the cycle and start feeling more secure in your relationships. The first thing to do is get a sense of how social anxiety is impacting your life. Then you can determine your next steps. 

Answer the following questions to reflect on how your social anxiety might be affecting your friendships:

• Are you never the one to reach out and try to make plans? — What do you do when a week, and then two weeks, has gone by and you haven’t seen any of your friends? Do you reach out, or are you hesitant? Do you start thinking of reasons why they might not want to hear from you? Social anxiety can stop you in your tracks when you actually want to connect with someone. If you look at it from your friend’s perspective, they might get tired of being the first one to reach out all the time. Ask yourself if they’ve done or said anything to make you think they’re not interested — or if it’s your social anxiety talking.
• Do you feel emotionally overwhelmed or feel physical anxiety symptoms around lots of people? — How do you usually feel at social gatherings with large groups or crowds? How do you feel afterward? Someone with social anxiety may feel symptoms in their body like a fast heartbeat, sweating or tension. It might feel like a huge relief when you leave, or you may need time afterward to calm down. At these events, social anxiety can be very distracting and keep you from fully participating.
• Are there certain situations you avoid, or do you cancel plans often? — Think back on some times when you’ve said no to social outings. What were your reasons, and how did you feel about turning it down? With social anxiety, you might shy away from things that are important to you, like a friend’s birthday plans or a class reunion. Maybe you say yes initially, but as the day draws closer, you start to worry and back out. On the day of and later on after you’ve missed out, you might be left with a sense of regret or disappointment in yourself.
• Does it take you a long time to open up to your friends, if you share anything personal at all? — Do your friends actually know much about you, or have you put up a wall to protect yourself? Social anxiety often comes down to a fear of being judged or laughed at. Opening up to people requires some trust and vulnerability, but it’s how we form close relationships. Holding back stories and details about you will keep your friendships at surface level.
• Do you rely on one or two close friends to the point that it causes problems? — Do you feel helpless when your closest friends aren’t available? Or have they hinted that you’re leaning on them too much in group settings? You need some social skills and a degree of independence to function as an individual. Clinging to certain people can keep you from developing those skills, and it can wear out those friendships quickly.
• Do you ruminate on past conversations or think self-deprecating thoughts? — Social anxiety doesn’t just affect you in the presence of other people. It can haunt you when you’re alone, too. Do you find yourself replaying conversations in your head and picking them apart? Do you ever tell yourself you’re not good enough or fixate on how awkward you think you are? Social anxiety has a way of souring your relationship with yourself.

How can I save my friendships from social anxiety?

Social anxiety takes up a lot of energy, and it can make you feel more isolated than you really are. In the long run, it can also drive other people away. There is hope that you can quiet the anxious voice inside you and feel more secure in your friendships. You might use this as an opportunity to open up to a close friend or two. Share some of your worries and ask them to be honest and up front if you ever do anything to upset them. Let them know what you’re working on and ask for their support.

To overcome social anxiety, you may need to work on your relationship with yourself and learn some skills for building new relationships. When you feel confident in yourself, you won’t rely so much on other people’s approval. Social skills are things you can practice and learn with time. Focusing on values like kindness, authenticity and compassion can be helpful, too. If you find that these issues are causing significant distress or interfering with daily life, please reach out to a mental health professional for a comprehensive evaluation. 

Is your social anxiety getting in the way of your life? At Lightfully, we provide comprehensive mental health treatment for people with anxiety. Contact us with any questions you have about seeking treatment. We’re here to help.