When you lose someone close to you, it can take a long time to come to terms with what that means. It can take months to start feeling like yourself again, and some cases of complicated grief take years to heal. You don’t have to put pressure on yourself to “move on.” A part of you will probably always miss that person, and that’s OK. 

Grief is a complex process with multiple stages that bring different feelings with them. It can take some experimentation to figure out how to process your grief because it looks different for each person and each loss. Bargaining is a natural part of the grieving process that can come up at any time.

In this article, we’ll discuss what bargaining during the grieving process looks like and what you can do to get through this difficult time.

What does it mean to bargain while you’re grieving?

In the context of grief, bargaining may look like pleading or negotiating with yourself or a higher power, such as God, fate, karma or the universe. It could be an effort to rationalize or justify your feelings or absolve yourself of the guilt associated with it. Oftentimes, bargaining is a type of “wishful thinking” that allows you to entertain the thought of potentially reversing the loss and bringing your loved one back. It’s less about believing this could actually happen and more about longing for the possibility. 

When you’re bargaining, you might pray for God to return the person to you and promise that you’ll change your behavior in order to make it happen. Or you might dwell on what you could have done differently or wish that your life was taken instead of your loved one’s. All of these are common thoughts that people have at some point while they’re grieving.

Some examples of bargaining during the grieving process include:

• “God, if you send my loved one back to me, I’ll never drink again.”
• “I’d do anything to bring them back. I wish it had been me instead.”
• “I knew I should have checked on her sooner. If I could just go back and fix it, everything would be different.”

When does bargaining usually happen in the grieving process?

The stages of grief model has changed a bit since it was introduced by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969. Two more phases were added to the original five. We also know that the stages don’t always go in the same order, and you may not “finish” a particular phase all at once. They’re more like moods that come and go, and you can experience more than one at the same time. Many people start bargaining if they’re feeling guilty about their loss or guilty that they’re still alive after their loved one has passed away. 

Will bargaining help me feel better?

Bargaining in itself never “works” the way we might like it to. However, it’s important to acknowledge and express your feelings so you can move forward. You should identify some people in your life you can confide in. Check with a close friend or family member to see if they have the time and the capacity to listen while you get some things off your chest. If you have a therapist, share your thoughts with them and see if they can help you come up with a way to resolve or accept these feelings. Journaling can be very helpful during this stage of grief and others as well. 

Get help navigating your grief at Lightfully

There’s no way to predict how long it will take you to feel like you’re “done” grieving. Again, the process is different for each person. Part of it is about accepting different aspects of your loss and feeling all the feelings that come with it. There will be days that feel better than others. If you open up to fully experiencing your grief and learn to “ride the wave” of grief, things will gradually start to get better. 

Grief isn’t something you have to deal with alone. If you’ve talked with your family and friends and you’re still feeling overwhelmed, consider finding a therapist or an online support group. At Lightfully, we provide personalized treatment for intense or prolonged grief. We use our Precision Care Model to create treatment plans for the whole person, not just their diagnosis. 

Ready to find a supportive community where you can show up exactly as you are? Join us for our free online support group, which currently meets on Fridays. Or you can reach out to our Admissions Concierge Team with any questions. Let’s take the next steps together.