If you have borderline personality disorder (BPD) or know someone who does, you may have heard of the term “splitting.” Splitting is a common symptom of BPD. It doesn’t look the same for everyone, though. When someone tends to internalize their BPD symptoms and conceal their mental health challenges from others, it’s sometimes informally referred to as “quiet BPD,” though it’s not a diagnosable subtype. Splitting might look very different for people with quiet BPD compared to those with more outwardly expressive symptoms.

Knowing what splitting is and how it manifests in behavior can be key to understanding your mental health condition or the condition of a loved one.

What is splitting?

Splitting is a thinking pattern where things feel extreme. When someone is splitting, they may see everything as all good or all bad, perfect or terrible. They may love or hate something with no in between. People with BPD, including those with quiet BPD, often struggle to see the gray area in situations. This kind of thinking may be especially prevalent when someone with BPD feels emotionally triggered.

Sometimes splitting leads to agitation or visible mood swings. However, this is not always the case. Splitting in quiet BPD is often internalized. This means the person experiencing it may not outwardly show their distress, even when they’re struggling with intense thoughts and emotional shifts. They might suddenly see themselves, others or situations as completely good or bad, with no middle ground. If you have quiet BPD, splitting might cause you to withdraw or shut down.

If you have BPD, you’re not alone. Up to 2.7% of people have borderline personality disorder. Though there is no single known cause, the current expert hypothesis is that BPD is caused by an interaction between family history and adverse childhood experiences affecting brain development. Some key signs and symptoms of BPD include mood swings, fear of abandonment, impulsive behavior and splitting. 

Examples of splitting in quiet BPD

• Feeling either “good” or “broken” — People with quiet BPD often turn splitting inward. This means they see themselves in extreme ways. You might switch between feeling confident and capable to feeling worthless and broken with little or no in between. Let’s imagine Mia, a woman who tries to hide her BPD symptoms from others. Mia gets a promotion at work. She feels proud and capable, like she’s doing everything right. Then one day, she makes a small mistake in a meeting. Suddenly she thinks, “I don’t deserve this job. I’m a fraud. Everyone probably regrets promoting me.” Even though her mistake is minor, her thoughts quickly flip from “I’m doing great” to “I’m a failure.” While Mia isn’t real, real people with BPD can find themselves in similar situations. Splitting can be exhausting and may make it hard to trust your own progress.
• Idolizing and pulling away — Splitting can have a big impact on relationships. When you meet someone, you may idolize them at first, then experience intense frustration or disappointment when any disagreements or conflicts come up. Instead of outwardly expressing their feelings, someone with quiet BPD may opt to withdraw from a relationship. This can make it hard to build meaningful connections and may contribute to feelings of isolation and loneliness. Here’s another example: Mia meets a new friend, Jamie, at a social event. She instantly feels like they have a deep connection. After the event, Mia and Jamie text every day and meet for coffee once a week. Mia thinks Jamie is a perfect friend until Jamie decides to cancel coffee plans last minute. Though Jamie apologizes, Mia starts to have thoughts like “Jamie doesn’t really care about me,” or “I’m just an afterthought.” Mia withdraws completely, stops replying to messages and convinces herself the friendship isn’t worth it. If this experience sounds familiar, it could be a sign of splitting in quiet BPD. People experiencing quiet BPD splitting often don’t express their feelings directly. They might cut people off emotionally or “ghost” to protect themselves from rejection.

Splitting in quiet BPD can deeply impact self-esteem, relationships and other aspects of your life. It’s important to remember that these thoughts and feelings are not facts. They are part of a pattern that can be understood and managed.

If you recognize these struggles in yourself, know that you are not broken, and you are not alone. Healing is possible, and support is available.

At Lightfully, we offer comprehensive support to help people manage their mental health symptoms and find a way forward. Our Precision Care Model (PCM) consists of evidence-based, clearly defined, data-driven and whole-person-centered care provided by deeply compassionate experts.

Change is possible. When you’re ready to get treatment for your BPD, reach out to our Admissions Concierge Team. We’ll take the next steps together, toward the fullest, brightest version of you.