Healthy relationships are based on a mutual give-and-take between both parties. When that balance gets disrupted, the relationship can become unhealthy. And if the relationship turns into one person constantly giving while the other one constantly takes, it can become codependent. 

Codependent relationships can exist in friendships, romantic relationships or family relationships and often include emotional or physical abuse. While codependence is not considered a personality disorder, psychotherapy or other mental health treatments may help. Codependency can also co-occur with other personality disorders in some cases. 

Let’s take a look at what codependence looks like, how it can negatively affect you and what to do to create healthier relationships.

What codependency is (and is not)

A codependent relationship is made up of a “giver” and a “taker.” The taker needs the giver, and the giver needs to be needed. This results in the giver becoming codependent on the taker, who will continue to enable this unhealthy behavior. 

While codependence can be a personality trait, it is not a personality disorder according to the DSM-5. Dependent personality disorder, however, is considered an official mental health disorder and involves an excessive need to be taken care of by others. Though it sounds similar, it is completely different from codependency.

Codependency is common in people who have a relationship of some kind with a person who has a substance use disorder. It can also be seen in relationships where one person has a mental health disorder, chronic illness or other imbalance in the “give-and-take” of a relationship. People who are codependent tend to have one-sided, dysfunctional and emotionally destructive relationships, since they struggle to exist in an equally balanced partnership.

Behaviors of codependency

How do you know if you’ve developed codependency in your relationship? There are many different signs. Here are a few common behaviors that people who are codependent may exhibit:

• Find it difficult to identify their own feelings
• Minimize or deny their own feelings
• Feel excessively responsible for others
• Have trouble making decisions for themselves
• Criticize and put themselves down
• Struggle to assert their own wants or needs
• Seek constant validation and approval from others
• Make assumptions about feelings and are overly sensitive
• Work to please others at the expense of their own needs
• Feel a need to control others
• Offer unsolicited advice or help to others
• Believe that others cannot care for themselves
• Reject any kind of emotional or physical intimacy
• Avoid conflict with others by using indirect communication
• Believe that all responsibility is on their shoulders
• Stay in unhealthy or even abusive relationships out of fear of abandonment

Codependent people tend to find value in serving the needs of others at the cost of their own well-being. This behavior can be harmful long-term because the person tends to neglect their own needs and allows others to exhibit harmful behavior. Unlike codependency, a healthy or interdependent relationship looks more like this:

• Both partners prioritize their relationship but still pursue their own interests and hobbies.
• Both partners express needs and wants in relation to each other.
• Both partners mutually respect and love each other and both find value in the relationship.

If your whole world revolves around the wants and needs of your partner, you may be in a codependent relationship. However, your relationships don’t have to stay imbalanced. There are ways for you to unlearn codependent behaviors.

How to break the cycle of codependency

While codependency isn’t a mental health diagnosis, mental health treatment can help you get out of that negative cycle of an imbalanced relationship. There are several ways to begin to break free of codependency — are a few ways to get started:

• Self-help — Not sure if you are in a codependent relationship? Start with evaluating yourself and your relationship. Self-help books or books on codependent relationships can be a great resource to help you recognize what codependency is. Then, speak with a trusted friend, family member or therapist about your relationship behaviors. Sometimes others can give you insight into an unhealthy relationship and help you determine if it is codependent.
• Therapy — A highly effective treatment approach for people with codependent personalities is therapy. Psychotherapy gives you an opportunity to identify unhealthy or codependent thoughts, feelings and behaviors and make changes to a healthier way of living. Your therapist can walk alongside you and help you develop positive behaviors in your relationships.
• Support groups — A codependency-focused support group is a great way to get support from other people with the same struggles. Support groups such as Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) can help people with codependent personalities find community and support.

If you are in a codependent relationship, you don’t have to continue those negative patterns of behavior. At Lightfully, we’re here to help you break free from codependent habits and change those thoughts, feelings and behaviors into healthy relationship boundaries.

Change is possible. When you’re ready to take the first step, reach out to our Admissions Concierge Team. We’ll take the next steps together, toward the fullest, brightest version of you.