Have you ever heard the phrase “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”? While it’s important to learn that you shouldn’t be affected by the harmful words of others, that’s not often realistic. Words are powerful and can have a lasting emotional effect. And when you’re told negative things about yourself by those closest to you, it can have a significant impact on how you see yourself and how you think you’re perceived by others, causing mental health distress.

Verbal abuse is a form of psychological abuse that also requires awareness and support. It refers to a person saying threatening, demeaning or manipulative things to you in an effort to:

• Gain a sense of control
• Make you feel less of yourself
• Embarrass or humiliate you
• Scare or threaten you

Examples of verbal abuse include:

• Insults or name-calling
• Ridiculing your looks, opinions or lifestyle choices
• Yelling or screaming
• Threatening you or your loved ones
• Manipulation, such as gaslighting

Verbal abuse can happen in any type of relationship, but it’s usually a term associated with familial or intimate relationships.

For help and resources in a domestic violence situation, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. 

What’s important to remember about verbal abuse is that you are not at fault — the responsibility lies with the abuser. The abuser thinks that putting you down or making you feel “less than” them will boost their own image and power. But they’re also showing their own insecurities and jealousy. For example, if a significant other insults your outfit, they are likely just worried that other people will give you attention and make you question the relationship.

What to do when you experience verbal abuse

It can be tempting to brush off a negative comment by someone close to you as them just being “rude” or having a bad day. However, if a person in your life is regularly insulting, criticizing or threatening you, it’s a pattern of verbal abuse that needs to be addressed.

Here’s how to protect yourself when verbal abuse occurs:

• Stand up for yourself.

When a person is being verbally abusive to you, likely out of nowhere, you might find it easier to just sit there and keep your head down in hopes that a lack of reaction will make them stop or go away. But by using your own voice to stand up for yourself, you can minimize the damage of their words. 

If it feels safe to do so, you can assert yourself and show that they don’t have the power over you that they’re searching for. However, if confrontation feels unsafe or risks escalation, prioritize your safety by disengaging and seeking outside help.

You can stand up for yourself against verbal abuse by responding with statements like, “I don’t deserve to be spoken to this way.” You can also assert yourself in small ways, like speaking in a firm yet calm tone, showing that you aren’t stooping to their level.

• Try to avoid a rebuttal.

It’s almost instinctual to want to fight fire with fire. If someone insults you, your reaction may be to insult them back. While you may think that responding in an equally hostile or aggressive way will make them feel just as bad as they made you feel, it’s likely to just prolong or escalate the situation. You’re also engaging in verbally abusive tactics, potentially normalizing it in the relationship.

By not letting your sadness or anger manifest in a harsh rebuttal, you’re showcasing your strength while giving your abuser an opportunity to reflect on what they said.

• Set and enforce boundaries.

Boundaries can play a key role in maintaining your mental health against verbally and emotionally abusive people. Let the person know about your limits and stay firm on them to reduce the risk of manipulation, guilt or coercion. Boundaries to protect yourself from verbal abuse can include:

• Refusing to engage in certain topics that often lead to verbal abuse
• Saying that you won’t continue a conversation after being insulted
• Leaving the room when you’re being verbally abused

• Distance yourself or leave if necessary 

It’s easy for someone to say, “Just don’t talk to them anymore” if you’re trying to protect yourself against persistent or worsening verbal abuse. However, that’s not always a practical, realistic or safe option. You may not have a place to live away from the person. You might be married and not have the resources to legally separate or divorce. It’s also possible that the verbal abuse comes from a family member whom you have to regularly interact with due to other circumstances.

If a person is verbally abusive and they aren’t improving despite your efforts to protect yourself, try to distance yourself from them to the best of your ability. If you’re not able to leave a shared house or cut contact completely, limit your interactions and prioritize your own well-being until you can take the next necessary steps. 

Verbal abuse can cause or contribute to significant mental health distress, including anxiety and depression that affects your relationships with others and how you see yourself. Talking to a therapist can help you work through the impact of the abuse and develop coping strategies to fight against the negative thought patterns that stem from it. If you need more intensive care, Lightfully’s Virtual Partial Hospitalization Program (vPHP) is worth discussing with your provider.

A vPHP provides intensive structured support through a mix of psychiatry, therapy and programming through the convenience of your mobile screens. At Lightfully, our licensed clinical experts use evidence-based, whole-person-centered care to help you recognize your own abilities and prioritize your mental health.

Change is possible. When you’re ready to take the first step, reach out to our Admissions Concierge Team. We’ll take the next steps together, toward the fullest, brightest version of you.