When someone you love has depression, it can be hard to know what to say. Depression is a complex mental health disorder that affects over 5% of adults worldwide, so chances are, someone in your life may have depression. But how do you talk about it?

While you want to comfort and reassure someone with depression, choosing the right words may be difficult. The most important thing you can do is validate how they are feeling and show them you want to support them through this challenging time. Let’s walk through some helpful things you can say to someone who has depression, plus some phrases to avoid.

What to say to someone who is depressed

When someone in your life is dealing with depression, they need to know that you care about them. Withdrawing from loved ones can make depression worse; conversely social support can help relieve those feelings of isolation. While you may not be able to understand exactly how to support your loved one, you can still validate their feelings and show them you are here for them. Here are a few ways to show someone you care about them and want to support them:

• “Your feelings are valid.” — If someone shares with you that they have depression, first you should validate how they feel. Even if you don’t know why they’re feeling the way they are, if you acknowledge their feelings as real and valid, they will be more likely to open up to you.
• “I care, even if I don’t understand.” — People with depression often feel that others cannot understand their experience. While you may not understand what depression feels like unless you have experienced it yourself, you can still show support, sympathy and reassurance that you care for them.
• “You’re not alone.” — Depression can make people feel as if they have to deal with their mental health disorder alone, and they may struggle to reach out for help or comfort. By telling them they’re not alone — and by showing up when they need you — you’re demonstrating that they don’t have to deal with their depression by themselves.
• “I love you.” — Sometimes, the simplest words can be the most powerful, so if you don’t know what else to say, sharing that you love them and that they matter to you can be a great reminder for someone with depression. 
• “Do you want company?” — Living with depression can sometimes make people feel like a burden to those they love, so reassure them that they aren’t a burden by offering to spend time with them when they’re feeling depressed.
• “How can I best support you?” — Sometimes you want to help your loved one, but you just don’t know how. They may not have an immediate answer, but asking them what you can do for them will reassure them that you care and are willing to help them however you can.

Depression may present differently in different people, and there isn’t always a one-size-fits-all solution to help someone with depression. But these are ways to let them know you care and are willing to walk alongside them while they deal with their mental health disorder.

What not to say to someone who is depressed

While having a list of things that are good to say to someone dealing with depression is helpful, it’s just as important to know what not to say. You should not use their depression to mock or shame them. Don’t bring up someone’s depression during a fight or time of high stress. 

While there are times when you may need to have a serious conversation about their depression, don’t try to bring it up when they’re distracted or tired. You won’t have a productive conversation, and it may push them away from you. Here are a few other things to avoid when talking to someone with depression:

• “Have you tried XYZ?” — While you may be trying to offer helpful advice, wait until they specifically ask you for it. Lifestyle changes can have a positive impact on some symptoms of depression. However, an unasked-for suggestion of chamomile tea or more exercise is probably not going to be helpful.
• “But you don’t look depressed.” — Depression can have many symptoms, and not all of them are visible to other people. If someone has shared about their depression, don’t disregard that by telling them they don’t “look” like they have a mental health disorder. This may make them feel invalidated, and they may not share with you again.
• “It’s not that bad.” — You may think that trying to look on the bright side will be helpful. But in reality, this minimizes their feelings and may make them feel ashamed. If you want someone to open up to you about the struggles they’re facing, validate their feelings instead of dismissing them.
• “You’re making me feel bad.” — If someone shares about their struggles with depression, don’t make it about yourself. You may feel sad that someone you love is dealing with depression, but don’t blame your emotions on them. If you need to set boundaries to protect your own mental health, that’s perfectly OK. But do it in a way that’s not judgmental or shaming of them.

You may not always have the right words to say to someone with depression. But as long as you approach the conversation with kindness and understanding, you’ll be on the right track to help them through this time.

If someone you love is struggling with depression, Lightfully is here to help. We have licensed clinical experts dedicated to helping people learn how to live well with their mental health disorders. We’re here to listen and help with next steps. Feel free to contact us with any questions.