Setting boundaries with your family is as much about managing your own feelings and expectations as it is about managing those of your loved ones. You have to get a good understanding of your mental health needs and how other people’s actions are affecting them. You can ask your loved ones to respect your boundaries, but you can’t make them change their behavior. The keys to setting healthy boundaries are stating them in a calm, objective manner and deciding how you can protect your peace if the person doesn’t cooperate. Reminding your family members that you love them and you care about your relationship can help you set the tone for what happens next.

In this article, we’ll talk about how boundaries (or a lack of boundaries) can affect family dynamics and give you five tips on how to set healthy boundaries with your family.

5 practical tips for setting boundaries with family and sticking to them 

In many families, boundary-setting discussions can quickly become heated. When a person asks for privacy or independence, a family member might take it personally and worry that the relationship is in trouble. There’s often a dynamic of power and control between older and younger family members. Emotional immaturity and codependency can further complicate things. Some might take boundary setting as a threat to the status quo. 

Some conflict over boundary setting isn’t necessarily unhealthy. You can’t always control how your family will react when you try to set a boundary. However, there’s another way to look at boundary setting that might help you manage your expectations and your feelings more effectively. Healthy boundaries are actually good for relationships because they protect each person’s peace, autonomy and privacy. This ultimately allows people to keep the relationship peaceful. It also makes room for you to develop a sense of trust. 

Try using these tips to let your family members know how you’re feeling and talk about how you might change the situation:

• Start with self-awareness and clarity — To set boundaries effectively, you’ll first need to do some introspection. Ask yourself what needs you have that aren’t being met or how the other person’s behavior is disrupting your peace. Be sure to distinguish between what’s an actual need and what’s a preference. If it’s a need, there’s a good chance the situation is affecting other parts of your life. If not, it may still be worth having a conversation, but it might sound a little different.
• Use direct, specific communication — Think about how you can describe the behavior in a clear and objective way. This isn’t about assigning blame, but sharing your point of view on what’s happening in a way that’s not confrontational. Try to avoid overexplaining, as this can give them more points to argue against. This is a good time to use “I” statements like, “I feel disrespected when you come into my room without asking.” 
• Prepare responses for boundary pushback — If you think your family member might push back, prepare your responses ahead of time. They may come up with reasons why they don’t want to cooperate, but this probably won’t change how you feel. You might come up with a few different ways to restate the emotional impact of their behavior and how it might affect your relationship if it continues. You can also be a “broken record” and keep coming back to the same point.
• Implement consistent consequences — When deciding on appropriate consequences, the goal isn’t to get revenge or make the other person feel bad. The goal is still to protect your peace through your own actions. If you’re feeling disrespected, or if the love and care you’ve put into the relationship isn’t being reciprocated, that might change how you approach the relationship. At that point, you can reconsider whether you still want to keep putting your time and effort into it. Whatever you decide, your boundaries will be most effective if you stay consistent.
• Regulate your emotions — Keeping your cool during these conversations may not be easy. You can care for yourself by regulating your emotions beforehand and afterward. What activities help you process negative emotions and get stress out of your system? Give yourself space to feel angry or sad or upset, and show yourself some compassion. 

Setting and maintaining boundaries with family is a skill that takes practice

Planning these conversations ahead of time can make it easier to stick to the issue at hand and say what you want to say. That doesn’t mean it will be easy. It takes practice to build up your skills and confidence in boundary-setting conversations. You may want to start with small boundaries and work your way up to ones that are more difficult. Reflecting on these conversations after the fact can give you insight into what you might do differently next time.

When we establish clear boundaries with family, we aren’t pushing them away. Rather, we create the emotional space where authentic relationships can flourish without compromising our mental well-being. Remember that setting boundaries is a form of self-care. Your family might not be perfect, but with some guidance, you may be able to help them learn how to respect and support you.

At Lightfully, we view boundary setting as part of a proactive approach to mental wellness. Our licensed clinicians help clients learn to manage four core processes: their thoughts, feelings, behaviors and relationships. We’ll work with you to create your own personalized plan for self-care.

Are you feeling overwhelmed with the process of setting boundaries with family? Contact us with your questions. If you’re ever in need of comprehensive support for your mental health, our Admissions Concierge Team is here to help.