Nobody has a “normal” family because “normal” doesn’t exist. Every family is different. They each come with their own dynamics, environments and expectations. However, a family should be built on love and support for one another, no matter who is involved or what that looks like. Unfortunately, not every family has that experience.

When we use the term “dysfunctional families,” we’re referring to households where there is recurring conflict or dangerous circumstances, such as abuse, neglect or substance use. These can lead to negative mental, emotional and behavioral patterns in the children. If those patterns aren’t addressed, they can lead to difficulties with relationships, setting goals and establishing a strong sense of self. These patterns can also lead to symptoms of depression, anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder.

If there is active harm, or you’re in imminent danger, contact 9-1-1 or child protective services. You can call or text the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453.

Thinking that your family hates you is an upsetting belief to have. However, it’s also vital to take control of your own well-being to make sure that you don’t let it dictate your future or how you see yourself.

When you’re trying to navigate your family, it’s important to identify the role that you play in it. Research has shown that there are a variety of roles that a child can take in a dysfunctional family, with a few including:

• The caretaker/enabler — This person steps up into a parental role for the other children despite the person’s own needs.
• The hero — This child tries to be excessively responsible and strives for perfection to make up for the dysfunction.
• The scapegoat — Sometimes known as the “black sheep,” a child in this role has a difficult time finding their place, often leading to poor decision-making.
• The mascot — As dysfunctional families tend to experience serious problems, this role describes the child who tries to distract from the severity of situations through humor.
• The lost child — This child tends to be overlooked because they aren’t actively involved in the family’s issues.

Regardless of the role you play, here are some ways to help navigate the family difficulties that you may face:

• Establish and enforce boundaries — Establishing boundaries with the rest of your family and sticking to them means that you’re setting limits to protect your emotional and mental well-being from your family members’ potentially negative behaviors. Possible boundaries include:
• Not responding to family members’ phone calls or texts while you’re with friends
• Refusing to lend your money or possessions
• Being clear with your family about topics that you don’t want to discuss
• Look toward the future — In a dysfunctional family, it’s important to establish your independence and form your own identity outside of how your family members may perceive you. Set plans for the future that will help your personal growth. It can feel like your family challenges can encompass every aspect of your life, but you should never forget that you’re able to become your own person with your own dreams. This can include journaling about your goals or writing steps to achieve them.
• Prioritize what makes you happy — If you’re in a dysfunctional family, your emotions are likely affected by the negative behaviors of your family members. Although it can be easy to be consumed by the negativity that you grew up with or that you’re surrounded by, try to prioritize your own happiness. This can mean anything from setting time aside to focus on your hobbies to allowing yourself to decompress with a podcast at night without interruptions.
• Find an outside support system — When your family is often the cause of your emotional and mental distress, it’s important that you have people to turn to outside of your home for support and comfort. You can build your own support system consisting of friends, neighbors, teachers or trusted adults. You can also talk to a therapist or school counselor. Having people you can share your feelings with can help you see that you’re not alone, even if your family makes you feel that way sometimes.

The most important thing to remember when you have a dysfunctional family is that you’re not at fault, even if you believe they hate you. And although environmental factors can play a role in your mental health challenges or conditions, you’re still in control of who you are, both now and in the future.

If you need more intensive support to navigate distressing feelings, Lightfully can help you work through your challenges and learn effective coping skills. Contact us — we’re here to help.