People self-sabotage for many different reasons, and these behaviors can take many different forms. Usually, self-sabotaging behaviors have a short-term benefit. However, in the long run, they keep you from achieving your life goals or living the life you want to live. People may self-sabotage as a way to feel a sense of safety or control or to avoid difficult situations. Self-sabotaging can affect your life goals and your career, your mental health, your relationships — almost any area of your life. 

Most of the time, people don’t realize they’re self-sabotaging. It can be very frustrating to feel like nothing’s working out for you when, deep down, a part of you is holding you back in an effort to keep you safe. 

In this blog post, we’ll describe six common examples of self-sabotaging behaviors and talk about how to overcome them. 

Common self-sabotaging behaviors

It’s common to have more than one self-sabotaging behavior. They can work together to keep you “stuck” in a certain state of being. One person might try to keep themselves from getting hurt in relationships by setting impossibly high expectations and pushing people away. Someone else might self-isolate and procrastinate so much that they don’t do much besides go to work and sit at home. 

[Quote]Self-sabotage isn’t an innate flaw — it’s a set of learned behaviors that can be unlearned with the right support and strategies.

The following are some common self-sabotaging behaviors and how they might function in a person’s life:

• Negative self-talk and critical inner dialogue — One of the most direct forms of self-sabotage is negative self-talk. When you have enough bad experiences, from embarrassing moments to being punished or ridiculed, your brain will try to keep them from happening by warning you in advance. Your “inner critic” will put you down before you do something that could be embarrassing or get you in trouble. It might take on the voice of a parent or a partner, or it might be your own creation.
• Procrastination and avoidance — Nobody likes to fail, and oftentimes, the idea of success can be uncomfortable in a different way. Sometimes procrastination can be about avoiding consequences. It can also be about avoiding the discomfort or perceived risk of certain actions. Feelings of not being good enough and impostor syndrome are sometimes at the root of fears of success.
• Perfectionism and unrealistic expectations — It never feels good to have to end a relationship after becoming attached and investing a lot of time and energy. Setting unrealistic expectations can help you “rule out” certain people before you establish a bond. You still don’t get the close, supportive relationships you want. That’s the price you pay for avoiding the risk of intimacy. Perfectionism is similar, except you’re usually setting unrealistic expectations for yourself.
• People-pleasing behaviors — Putting other people’s needs before your own can be a very effective way to avoid conflict in the short term. However, it’s also a method of self-betrayal. The little ways you undermine yourself in the process add up over time, and people-pleasing often leads to relationships that aren’t fulfilling.
• Self-medication through substance use — Many people begin using substances as a way to numb their feelings and block out or forget certain realities. The negative effects usually outweigh the positives. Substance use can cloud your decision-making and harm your relationships, your physical health, your career and other important aspects of your life. One of the reasons people choose to use substances is the instant gratification. Substance use may be easier than facing your stress head-on. Some people may see substance use as cheaper and more accessible than getting the help you need. However, that’s not always the case. Treatment is often covered by insurance, and it’s now available via telehealth.
• Self-isolation from support systems — Asking for help can be very difficult for some people. It requires vulnerability, trust and interpersonal skills. If you were always expected to be the strong one, or if you’ve received negative responses when asking for help in the past, it may seem too complicated, especially when you’re already stressed. Hyperindependence and self-isolation, however, leave you feeling alone in moments when you need help the most. 

Overcoming self-sabotage

So how do you put an end to your self-sabotaging behaviors and get out of your own way? The first step is to identify your behaviors and understand their root causes. Again, in many cases, it’s a fear of success, failure or vulnerability. It might have something to do with your core beliefs about your self-worth or past traumatic experiences. 

Spending some time in thoughtful reflection is a good starting point. However, developing the self-awareness to not just recognize these behaviors but change them will take time. Practicing mindfulness and naming negative thoughts are both helpful strategies. You may also see a therapist for some help understanding your thoughts and feelings. 

Once you can see your self-sabotage clearly and understand its function, you can start to make intentional changes. Your solutions will depend on your individual behaviors. For instance, if you’re a perfectionist and you use your high expectations to push people away, you might need to practice acceptance and adopt authenticity as one of your values. For people-pleasers, setting boundaries and speaking up for yourself are important skills to learn. Understanding what you really want and what you’re avoiding can help you determine your next steps.

Find your unique approach to overcoming self-sabotage at Lightfully

Self-sabotage isn’t an innate flaw — it’s a set of learned behaviors that can be unlearned with the right support and strategies. If you’re already aware of some of your self-sabotaging behaviors, you’re on the right track. It can be a lot to unpack on your own. Consider talking with a therapist to process what you’re noticing and explore the underlying beliefs attached to these behaviors. Then you can figure out how to set yourself up for success. In many cases, cultivating self-compassion and practicing acceptance and authenticity are important parts of the process.

At Lightfully, we provide comprehensive, whole-person-centered mental health treatment. Our Precision Care Model (PCM) combines evidence-based techniques to help people with four core life processes: thoughts, feelings, behaviors and relationships. Self-sabotage often works across these different areas to maintain a status quo. Our licensed clinicians can help you address the fear or avoidance at the root of your self-sabotage. You’ll also work on new skills in our supportive treatment environment so you can start changing these patterns.

Are you looking for some help breaking the cycle of self-sabotage? We can help. Reach out to our Admissions Concierge Team or contact us today.