No parent wants to be lied to. When your teen lies to you, especially when it’s about their well-being, you might feel hurt or betrayed. While catching your teen lying can stir up a lot of emotions, it’s important to respond in the right way. If your teen has been hiding things about how they’re feeling mentally or emotionally, it may be a sign that they’re struggling in more ways than they’re letting on. 

When it comes to mental health, lying is often a defense mechanism, though it’s also normal behavior in adolescence without an underlying mental health condition. Your teen might not be trying to deceive you. In many cases, they’re scared, overwhelmed or unsure of how you’ll react. For example, if your teen is experiencing depression, they may worry that talking about it will make them a burden. Maybe they don’t have the right words. Mental health is complex, and teens may struggle to describe their emotions clearly. Maybe they fear losing independence. Lying doesn’t mean that your teen doesn’t love you. They might be lying because they’re afraid of what will happen if they tell the truth. Building trust and open communication can be key to having productive, honest conversations with your teen.

4 strategies for building trust and healthy communication with your teen

With the right approach, you can create an environment where your teen feels safe to tell you the truth. These strategies can help strengthen your connection and encourage your teen to open up:

• Ask questions — Instead of launching into lectures or punishments, start by asking open-ended questions. Approach conversations with genuine curiosity, not suspicion. Try saying something like: “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed a little down lately. What’s been going on?” This shows you’re paying attention and care about their experience, not just their behavior. If your teen feels like you’re trying to understand them and not just fix the way they act, they may be more likely to talk honestly.
• Speak calmly — If your teen admits something shocking or concerning, your first instinct may be to panic, yell or shut the conversation down. You might even want to accuse them of lying. It can be difficult to hear your teen telling you that they self-harm, for example. However, reacting with anger or other intense emotions can teach them that it’s not safe to be honest with you. It’s important to understand that talking about mental health is hard for your teen too. It’s also important to recognize that your teen isn’t alone. In the case of self-harm, studies show that more than half of adolescents with depression have a history of self-injurious behaviors. When your teen tells you about a mental health challenge, try taking a deep breath and saying, “Thank you for telling me. I know that wasn’t easy.” These two sentences can go a long way in helping your teen feel seen, heard and supported.
• Normalize open conversations — Talk about mental health the same way you’d talk about physical health. Just like you’d check in on a cold or a sprained ankle, it’s OK to check in on your teen’s emotional health too. You might say: “Everyone struggles sometimes. If you’re feeling anxious or sad, that doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you or that you need to hide your feelings.” The more often you bring up mental health in a relaxed, caring way, the more comfortable your teen might feel sharing what’s going on in their life.
• Be honest — If you’ve ever dealt with anxiety, sadness, stress or burnout, talk about it. You don’t have to overshare. Just being honest about your own emotions can help break the ice. Try something like: “I remember feeling overwhelmed in high school too. Sometimes I didn’t know how to explain it, and that made it even harder.” This can help your teen feel less of a need to lie. If you’re honest about your mental health, your teen might realize that they can be honest too.

Lightfully Teen can help your teen talk about and manage their mental health

If your teen has lied to you, it doesn’t mean they’re a “bad kid.” It means they’re still learning how to deal with big emotions, complicated situations and growing up. By focusing on trust, empathy and communication, you can create a relationship where honesty becomes the norm.

Lightfully Teen can help your teen understand and talk about their thoughts and feelings. The framework of everything we do is based on evidence, compassion and whole-person-centered care. Many treatment plans incorporate family therapy sessions meant to help build communication and trust. Your teen can get comprehensive treatment in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) or Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) at our Carlsbad, California, location. 

Change is possible. If you’re concerned about your teen’s mental health and not sure how to communicate with them, you can contact us to ask about an assessment.